Its hard to believe it. 5 years ago I had so many plans and hopes…. and I’ve done none of them. I had been so excited to be so close to graduating high school, to get free and have my friends to support me. If you’d asked where I’d be now, I’d have said that I’d have a college degree or be damn close to it, married and maybe even with a little one or two. No longer in Canon and maybe a little house or nicer apartment. My group of friends all swore we’d stay close and help eachother. Maybe not see eachother and talk everyday, but be a part of each others lives.
Nothing has turned out that way. I spent a year still under my parents thumbs. Most of my friends moved on to school or families. And I only got out for a few months before I was forced back. January of 10 I thought I had a lucky break with my than best friend but it ended in disaster six months later that destroyed my faith in her. And I was forced with my parents for another 3 months. I did find my fiancee in that time I was free. I struggled with work, school out of reach and a family of my own out of the question. I found my own little place eventually. Almost all my friends were out of touch except rarely. And at that it was because they wanted something from me. Somehow my fiancee has held out through it all, but there is always part of me that wonders how and why. And how much more he can take. I ended up at that friends place for a bit, having had to leave my old place for my cats sake. It was better than before but still hard and ended up with a leave or be kicked out situation. So I found this room. That’s really all it is. Now it seems like the only person that is willing to listen to me is my fiancee. All my friends ignore me usually when I try or bail on me. I’m hating canon and all the pain it reminds me of more and more now. Without even my friends there’s nothing else here. I want this to work, but I don’t know that it will.
I’m finally able to go to school, I have a good vehicle. Now all I need is a job that’ll work with school and let me be able to afford my truck and a new apartment… if I can find one that’ll let me have my cats that is. I can’t even think of getting rid of the furballs, I love them and couldn’t just throw them out when I’m all they’ve known. I’d go mad wondering if they were ok and you couldn’t pay me enough to put them in the pound. I promised to keep them for life and intend to keep it.
My fiance, he is tying but I think he’s looking too high. We can’t afford to be picky about where we live or work, not while just getting out and in school. We can take care of ourselves and we’re going to need to do whatever we have to in order to get through until we have good jobs and the option to be a bit picky. That’s a couple years away though…
I now have a good working vehicle. It took a bit and I’m fairly sure I’m a bit more insane for it but I have it. My fiance had to help a little, which I am incredibly grateful for. Hopefully with this bit of help I can really start getting out on my own. Its been so disappointing trying before and constantly being told no.
We got my truck just in time, I’m fairly sure my little car would’ve been gone in a month or two at the most. It was a lot of stress though. I did rush a bit, but was as prepared as I could be. I got pre approved and had an appointment set up to trade that car in. We were all sure that it was a done deal that Saturday night, I was excited and nervous as we waited for Monday so we could finish everything, Sunday going by slowly for me. But when Monday came and we went to the bank, we found out we were wrong and I broke. It was just too much to be that very close, that certain only to be shot down and humiliated. I took it out on my fiance, especially when he started talking about ways to “fix” my credit issue that I knew wouldn’t work cause I’d been continually fighting it. Sometimes I get so jealous of the fact he had a family that helped and the opportunity to get credit and schooling. Others I almost wish he’d have to fight just a little so he’d know what its like and how it works. And I wish he’d listen when I say that things won’t work. Sometimes I’m wrong, but when its stuff he knows I’ve fought for and should know. The fact he acted like I was wrong and kept pushing it made me worse. I was so depressed over the sudden down fall. I wanted to leave, everything. And not come back. He almost let me. But having multiple personalities paid off and one managed to tell him to stop me. I knew that if I left like that it’d destroy us, but I didn’t want to be seen like that. And watching him break down broke me more. Not to mention the dealership playing the “call-back” game stressing me out. I eventually just went back to them to find out what they had decided. We chased another lead to a different lending company that again declined us. I was defeated and only wanted a miracle or to go curl up in a corner. Than my fiance called the bank and added his name. It added more than enough to the loan to cover my truck and dropped the rate a ton. We had to redo all the paperwork but I didn’t care. It had finally worked. I could finally prove I could handle this. That I’m not stupid and can be responsible. It cheered me up a ton. I stayed another night, exhausted from my emotions going everywhere and making me a fool.
I came back in freezing weather to a house my cats had made a disaster in and a store having issues. I still haven’t totally cleaned my house, its too cold by the time I get home for me to want to even think of carrying everything to the trash. The store is just a mess. We had a pipe burst, destroying a wall and a bit of the special orders. We’re still rebuilding the inside of the wall. Than the main printer completely died. Our system does not like to print to anything else cause the others are only for invoices as far as its concerned. It can’t be serviced for two weeks at that. I’m betting we lost at least 2000 to these shenanigans. .. I really wonder how much longer the store will last if things don’t improve. I’m looking for a night or evening job now, both for school and because of the store suffering.
I think the planet is trying to tell me something, and I’m just too stubborn to listen to it. My little sister has disowned me over some songs she deleted and I didn’t have the time or energy to give to her right away. I was trying to get her to fix it herself but no she had to throw a huge fit at me and once more ignore all I’ve done for her and disown me. I don’t care any more. The back and forth childish games of hers only piss me off. When she comes running back cause she wants something I’m going to tell her to fuck off cause I’m not her sister and she can fix her own stupid crap. And that was after the women who titles herself as my best friend royally blew me off and hasn’t even said a word since. She was reading this, but I’d be surprised if she cared. I really don’t have a clue why they helped me other than it started out as convenient that I could take care of things while they ran around. The kid stopped that so I had to go so they could fix things. I went over once since and its more of a disaster than before. They keep depending on their other “friends” who constantly fall through and screw them over yet they still get priority in everything. They can’t ever be put aside or anything but I can be completely ditched without a thought and forgotten on a whim. I fucking sick and tired of doing things for people only to be treated like crap and thrown out til they want something from me! I was going to buy her that damn tea that day, purposefully put things I could of used back so I’d have the money and she blew me off without a fucking word and just left me waiting all day! What the hell!? Than to top off my grand losing streak, my car is grounded. The one I’ve only had maybe six months. The one I thought was my break at long last that could make school and moving and visiting people possible. The one that started putting me in over my head in debt to my boyfriend. It decides to lose 2 cylinders and leave me stuck in this damn hell hole. No school for me. No getting back on birth control with a good doctor. No moving or getting that better job away from here. I’m not meant to be happy or go to school or get any better than the shit I’m stuck with. I’m not meant to have anything close to a real family or friends. They all leave and forget me for something “better” eventually. I don’t go out cause there’s no one to really go out with. I hate my life.
I don’t write that much here right now, just because it stays in my head all the time. I’ll right entire entries mentally while I’m busy but when I have time I just don’t do it. I should, it helps me organize the chaos in my head.
Speaking of my head, I’m really beginning to seriously fear that something is wrong. Not the personalities thing, but medically. I can’t sleep for anything, can’t focus and totally space out giant bits of my days. When I suddenly realize I’ve no clue where I’m driving to or if I just ran a red light or not multiple times a day, I get scared. I need to get something else that I won’t be as much of a risk. I like my job, but this is just too risky. I literally will “wake up” and recognize where I am and wonder if I just ran a red across the highway, or if I stopped at the right shop or went the right way. I’m terrified of how much I’m behind the wheel because of how often it happens and how much is just not in my head. I forget what I’m doing, where I put things. Today I forgot I had a part in my truck for two hours. Plus I’m constantly dizzy and nauseous if I turn too fast and my valence doesn’t exist. I’m always falling over just walking. I feel like I’m drunk almost. I don’t know how many times I’ve ended up on my assistance just from bending over or kneeling to do something.
And I’m wanting to start school to be a vet tech and maybe a rescue, starting with just awareness of animals. But if I get worse, is doing anything a good idea? I’m a danger. To everyone. I have no clue why its happening. And I don’t even know where to begin to find out. I can’t afford help, I’m too broke and my car is acting up to where I may as well get a new one plus bills plus glasses coming up at the first of the month.
I’m terrified of it, yet I don’t dare admit it cause I need my job.
I found my own place again at the beginning of November. Time is going by faster than I imagined it would. I feel old and useless most of the time when I’m on my own. I want to move on with my life so badly but can’t seem to. Moonlight is getting huge and is often very lovey in the mornings. I work Tuesday through Saturday now, which is fine, but mornings are getting hard as I barely sleep anymore at night. I’m exhausted all the time when I’m not with my fiance. He helps me relax and sleep.
He finally really proposed, it took me by surprise. It isn’t the real ring, but that’s not really overly important to me. None of the sillyness is. I don’t care if he has a nice custom rings, or nice apartment. I wouldn’t mind if he left school to do what he really wants. Would it be nice to be able to go to school without having to work and than stay home with kids if I can have them at all, but I don’t care if it doesn’t happen like that. I’ve stopped wanting and even really hoping for all that. It would be nice, but thats it. I don’t want or need it. I want him to just love me and be with me. I want to live with him and have a family again, if only the two of us. It’ll be more than I’ve had since I was little. A real family. I miss it, more than I’d like to admit ever.
We found out something. My personalities are all mixed up. My main/first one was in a cage, I was scared of myself after some of the things I had to do to survive as a kid. Its still confusing and hard to really understand